Sunday, November 06, 2005

Jesus is just alright with me.

This is proof that you can sell anying and I mean anything in action figure form. At this science museum where I once worked, they had Benjamin Franklin and Albert Einstein in glorious plastic replicas. Franklin came with a kite and a key, and Einstein had a little piece of chalk. That's kind of cool, you know? I mean, you could finally settle that age old question of who would win in a fight: Al or Ben. But Jesus and Moses brought to life in thier stereotypical images in cheap thermoplastic for all the children to have hours of fun with. I mean, do these really go with all your other toys? Most of my toys were He-man and Transformers and GI-Joe. Jesus didn't stand a chance against any of those guys. Oh sure, he was the son of God and all, but he was a pacifist. He would "turn the other cheek" when Skeletor brought his smack down upon the savior. And Moses? He was old! I'm surprised those Isrealites didn't tip him off his high horse for spoiling thier good time. Bring back the golden calf! These rules suck! Adultery rules!

Anyway, I saw these in a store in London. What really gets me, is the context. It was a crappy little toy store somewhere in London, I forget where. But take a close look at the picture. Look at all the shitty merchandise around the two iconic semi-deified dead guys. I mean, what the hell? This is what the liberator of the Jews and fucking Messiah are reduced to?

I came very, very close to purchasing at least the Jesus one. Then again, the Moses toy has accessories: a staff and a big stone tablet. I'm pretty sure the odds are stacked against Jesus when Moses lays the almighty smack down by cracking him over the head with the ten commandments, "Thou shalt feel my wrath, bitch!" This would be the ultimate duke-it-out between the wrathful God and the loving God. "Turning the other cheek, J-man? Well, don't mind if I do!" CRACK! and while Jesus is unconscious, a pool of blood spreading out from his gaping head wound, Moses claims Mary Magdalene for himself. To the victor goes the spoils!

That's enough blasphemy for one day.


Bdawg said...

I bought thee whole collection at the dollar store last year. Honest to God I did and they rock.

Dr Kuha said...

When you say, whole collection, how many action figures are you talking about? Do you have simulated deathmatches? That's what I would do. Any other use for them would be irresponsible.

Anonymous said...

You know who you remind me of?...
The devil!

-Child of God