Friday, November 18, 2005

An Interview With an Indian


It is becoming increasingly prevalent in popular culture these days, to pretend to have different ethnicity than what you actually possess. I had a little sit-down interview with someone who has made an artform out of this practice. His name is Weetootwaag. Or just Twaag for short. He is probably of Scandinavian or Bulgarian descent, but is convinced that deep down inside, he is really a Scottish-Ojibwe. Let's see how the interview went.

Dr.K: Weetootwaag, or can I call you Twaag?

Twaag: Sure, whatever.

Dr. K: I understand...Twaag...that you claim to be the most knowledgeable person in the world of the Ojibwe language. How does it feel to be a Bulgarian with such a vast knowledge of a dying language?

Twaag: Um...I'm not Bulgarian....and I never made that claim.

Dr. K: Fascinating. And you are also a world famous bag piper, is that not correct?

Twaag: *laughs* I wouldn't exactly say world famous. But in some circles, yes, I am known to be fairly proficient on the Scottish Pipes

Dr. K: Amazing. Twaag... last of a dying breed... the only White Indian left in America who plays the Scottish Pipes. That's quite a tough legacy to hold true to, is it not?

Twaag: Um.. What are you getting at?

Dr. K: I am merely trying to establish for our readers that you are, in fact, the only White Bulgarian Scottish Indian left in America, and the spiritual battle, what can only be a losing battle, you must face on a day to day basis has laid a heavy burden on your soul...

Twaag: Um... Jesus, Doctor, when you put it that way... *sheds a single tear, a slight breeze flutters his long, flowing locks*... Umm...well, I guess I do what I can to keep the tradition alive. Bagpiping isn't exactly a dying art, but Ojibwe is and---

Dr. K: Absolutely astonishing, Twaag. I wonder, if you could tell our readers what it is that you've been keeping busy with these days?

Twaag: *somewhat annoyed* Well, I've been playing some piping gigs, I teach inner city African Americans the Ojibwe language, I guess I play D&D from time to time, and other than school, I guess I grab a beer at the bar now and then.

Dr. K: Really, interesting. And you drink a lot?

Twaag: *Shrugs* Sometimes, I guess. Oh man, *laughs* there was this party last week, I got so hammered *eyes glaze over in blissful remembrance of last drink.*

Dr. K: How long have you been binge drinking like this?

Twaag: Oh, I don't do it that often. A couple times a month or so.

Dr. K: So tragic. Twaag, your struggle with alcoholism has hampered your career goals as a White Scottish Indian, how has it affected your home life?

Twaag: I'm not an alcoholic.

Dr. K: My friend, you must not pretend that these problems don't exist. The first step on the road to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Twaag: I'm not an alcoholic.

Dr. K: Twaag, I feel that we've really gotten close in these last few minutes, and I want you to know, that you can tell me anything...of course, that doesn't mean that I won't post it on the internet... just...let it out. Tell me what you've been dying to tell someone! What your heart has been screaming to admit to for so long!

Twaag: *Silently scowling*

Dr. K: About your alcohol problem...

The interview ended here. Wetootwaag is apparently one of those violent drunks, because he viciously attacked me and gave me a black eye. I do not begrudge him this, because he has a problem he is trying to get over, not to mention the fate of an entire race of people resting squarely on his rippling shoulders. I hope this little glimpse into the private life of a reclusive White Scottish Indian Alcoholic has made it easier to feel a little tolerance, and maybe even accept these obscure and often misunderstood people of a "trans-ethnic" sort.

7 comments:

WETOOTWAAG said...

I don't know if I love you or hate you right now, but seriously, last one to call Ojibwe a dying language totally got slapped across the face!

Anonymous said...

Wow. That was fabulous. Jeremy should totally use that pic for his christmas cards.
-willard

Froyd said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

that's fantastic.

Jenkwe said...

Jeremy sends chrismas cards? I feel so left out!
Fansatic article...to bad no New York times, but internet is almost better anyway.

Bdawg said...

Dr. Kuha,

Thank you for letting us get a glimpse into the mind of McSquanto. He really does have a problem with the booze, but really what do you expect.

WETOOTWAAG said...

Fuck you bdawg, and who is this willard character, and all of you suck except kuha for not coming out to keg n kork tonight.
twaag

Dr Kuha said...

That's Dr Kuha to you.