Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Apple Juice is Obsolete!
The offices of Practical Solutions for Banal Lifestyles (PSBL) has finally come through! The laws of science and metaphysics have finally been unravelled for your drinking pleasure. Yes, the future is here, my friends! What you've been waiting for all along, the Quantum Occilating Trichrome Juicer! The QOT Juicer is a revolutionary new product that allows you to extract the essence, in liquid form, to basically juice, anything. Yes, it's true, anything. You can juice everything from a pineapple to a television set!
Thirsty? Got a spare sofa that you're trying to get rid of? Juice it! Just shove that sofa into the juicer and out will come a nice, cold, delicious glass of couch juice (probably a small amount of spare change and cracker crumb juice as well!). Add some vodka, and you've got a cocktail party that the your friends will talk about for months!
Not only can you juice any substance or combination of substances that exist on Earth or anywhere in the universe, you can extract the essence, in juice form, of any emotion, feeling, or abstract concept known or explored in didactic poetry since the beginning of man! Jealousy shooter: 2 parts anger, 1 part insecurity, an ounce of tequila, and a dash of triple sec. Wistful Fizz: 1 part nostalgia, 1 part childlike wonder, and a dash of club soda.
You've always wanted to drown yourself in your sorrow? Well, now you'll know what a poor substitute beer is for the real thing! Now, for the first time in the history of mankind, we can drink to our health, for real! And we can toast friendship, without all that tedious mucking about with wine and champagne.
Oh, and did I mention it also makes really good orange juice?
(The idea for this post was unabashedly stolen from some of my closest friends)