Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Apple Juice is Obsolete!

The offices of Practical Solutions for Banal Lifestyles (PSBL) has finally come through! The laws of science and metaphysics have finally been unravelled for your drinking pleasure. Yes, the future is here, my friends! What you've been waiting for all along, the Quantum Occilating Trichrome Juicer! The QOT Juicer is a revolutionary new product that allows you to extract the essence, in liquid form, to basically juice, anything. Yes, it's true, anything. You can juice everything from a pineapple to a television set!

Thirsty? Got a spare sofa that you're trying to get rid of? Juice it! Just shove that sofa into the juicer and out will come a nice, cold, delicious glass of couch juice (probably a small amount of spare change and cracker crumb juice as well!). Add some vodka, and you've got a cocktail party that the your friends will talk about for months!

Not only can you juice any substance or combination of substances that exist on Earth or anywhere in the universe, you can extract the essence, in juice form, of any emotion, feeling, or abstract concept known or explored in didactic poetry since the beginning of man! Jealousy shooter: 2 parts anger, 1 part insecurity, an ounce of tequila, and a dash of triple sec. Wistful Fizz: 1 part nostalgia, 1 part childlike wonder, and a dash of club soda.

You've always wanted to drown yourself in your sorrow? Well, now you'll know what a poor substitute beer is for the real thing! Now, for the first time in the history of mankind, we can drink to our health, for real! And we can toast friendship, without all that tedious mucking about with wine and champagne.

Oh, and did I mention it also makes really good orange juice?

(The idea for this post was unabashedly stolen from some of my closest friends)


zombi_king said...

amazing in its simplicity
brilliant in its execution
stunning in its candor and outright dazzling in its entirety.

p.s. the word verification thingy totally made me spell "orgy" to post this.

roman said...

Very funny indeed.
Just in time for the holiday shoppers. Another gadget which will ultimately wind up sitting in the attic collecting dust. Then some ten years later be resold at a flea market which will repeat the cycle but once again.

Vman said...

how expensive is this thing?

Fahd Mirza said...

I enjoyed the article and also the comments.

Dr Kuha said...

The Quantum Oscilating Trichrome Juicer is available for a limited time at the low, low, introductory price of seven easy paymetns of only $99.95 plus tax. Sorry no CODs

zombi_king said...

the first 7 payments are easy, the 8th one is really complicated. They extract an amount of heavy metals equal to the price from your body with an incredibly powerful magnet.

Dr Kuha said...

It's incredibly painful, and the folks down in Accounts Recievable are working night and day to trying to find better anesthetics to use that aren't illegal outside of a hospital. However, we in Quality Assurance want everyone to know, that the costs are well worth the potential benefits.

**side affects may include paranoia and apathy**