Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Where did all the Whoppers go?

Dear friends and readers, I just had a disturbing realization. The Burger King corporation has brought some very frightening information to light. As it turns out, if the Whopper were ever to be removed from the Burger King menu, it would cause such a disturbance, that the backlash would very likely tear America apart.

The Whopper Freakout, in much the same way that the Emergency Broadcast System protects us from natural disasters and nuclear bombs, has alerted us to the very real threat of running out of Whoppers.

Someone needs to do something as soon as possible to prevent a real shortage of Whoppers. I think the government needs to step in and do something. Emergency Whopper Legislation (EWL) is quickly becoming necessary. If something isn't done soon, Burger King, being the anarchic America-haters they are, might do something drastic.

I don't know if you saw it in the subtext of the add, but the Whopper Freakout is a threat. They're using the American dependence on the Whopper as leverage in some sort of bid for power, maybe in an attempt to topple the Big Mac from its reign as most popular burger ever.

So you, sitting in your desk chair, reading this post, need to go to Wikipedia, look up the ingredients for a Whopper. That done, you can make these sandwiches at home and release America from Burger King's stranglehold on our stomachs.

Let's see...um...meat, a bun, lettuce, tomato, mayo, ketchup, pickles...onion...what the fuck? This is just a fucking hamburger! There's nothing special about this damned thing at all! Fuck this! This won't stand!

Make your own damned hamburgers America!

And that done, once we all learn how to cook a fucking hamburger again, we need to carefully lobby the United States Government to take the Whopper trademark away from BK Corporation and release the patent to ALL fastfood restaurants, so that any earth-shattering Whopper shortages will never happen again.

Oh god...I can't even do this anymore. This is stupid. The Whopper Freakout is the most fucking retarded ad campaign since the Order of the Serpentine. Grow the fuck up America.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Weekend at Bernies sucked

I didn't have an appropriate image for this post, so I just decided to go with Conan. He's a good fall-back plan if there's nothing better to use.

That said, I want to talk about this. I've always thought that the film Weekend at Bernie's was a fucking terrible movie. That is, however, until I realized, that there actually are people in this world stupid enough to try and pass a corpse off as a living person.

I was trying to think of what sort of a situation I would need to be in to pull a stunt like this. It would probably have to be more than a $355 check. Maybe $10,000? A cool million, certainly. Are criminal charges worth it? Okay, so these two yokels tried to commit fraud, but hey, the guy was dead. Who's the victim? The government? Nobody cares about the government except the government.

Okay, I just re-read the article, and I realized that I might have misinterpreted the text. I have this image now in my brain of these two oldsters pushing their dead friend around in an office chair with wheels. Something gaudy and covered in leather. At first I assumed that they would use a wheelchair. I mean, that's just obvious.

I mean...I would use a wheelchair. But that's just me.

Looking at it from these guys perspective, I guess I can't really hold it against them. They probably needed the money, or they wouldn't have pulled this stunt for such a small amount of money. People can be pushed to resort to pretty extreme measures when the need is there.

Another question: Why did these two guys even have the corpse? Were they roomies? Had the death not even been reported? Wouldn't the old folks' home keep tabs on that shit?

I guess there's not enough info in the Reuter's story to really put together what actually happened, but there's more than enough information to make up your own stories about what actually happened.

I'm open to interpretations. An award goes to the person who comes up with the best interpretation. Leave all suggestions in the comments section.