Thursday, May 25, 2006

Commies Suck

Take a close look, dear friends and readers. Sherwin Williams Paint, known by many for their truly staggering, nearly all-inclusive, verging on absurd in its diversity, palette of latex paints for all your household needs, may not be what you think it is.

Oh sure, they seem reputable; they couldn't dream of getting into nearly as much trouble as an Enron executive, however, I think that may not always be the case. I believe--and I think that if you follow me closely, that you will also agree--that Sherwin Williams Paint is actually a front company, secretly funneling money to an underground communist conspiracy.

Oh yes, it's true. And the evidence is all here in the logo. First of all, let's look at the can of paint in the logo. It symbolizes the organization itself. S.W.P. supposedly stands for "Sherwin Williams Paint," however, I believe that their clever use of an acronym opens it up for multiple interpretations: i.e. the Socialist Worker's Party. Coincidence? I think not.

Also, and this is simply too obvious, the globe in the center of the logo symbolizes the planet Earth. But what is that coming out of the paint can? It's red paint. Red paint. And what is the universal color of communism? I think my point is clear.

And let's not forget that they are using a "Cover the Earth" slogan. This could be seen literally, as though the company simply wishes to cover the entire planet in a uniform coat of high quality glossy latex. But in this environmentally conscious day and age, this seems unlikely. Thus, it can only be the case that the red paint in the logo symbolizes a political ideology. And the only political ideology associated with the color red is: you guessed it Communism.

To make it even more apparent, take a very close look at the globe itself. You can make out the outline of northwest Africa and Europe. That means that at the top of the globe is North America. Yes, that's right. America is their first target in a worldwide Communist coup d etat!

I rest my case.

Now you ask, "What should we do about this, Doctor?" I'll tell you what we should do: inform everyone you know about this conspiracy. These two-faced collaborators with Red China and ex-Soviet socialists are probably responsible for our failure in Vietnam! They sabotaged us from the inside! They're probably even funding terrorism (uh...moreso than our own government already is, and well...everyone who uses gasoline).

Do not use their paint! They must be stopped! Brought down in the name of such ambiguous ideas as "Freedom," "Democracy," and "The American Way of Life!" Because if you don't, the commies will take over. And if that happens, God help us all, because the Good Doctor is fleeing to Canada where they have nationalized health care.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Get Down with the Sickness

Dear friends and readers, it has come to my attention that one of the things that we have not been doing, and should, in the interests of the greater good for all, infect more celebrities with life-threatening diseases and maladies.

Take Michael J. Fox, for example. He has Parkinson's Disease. If it wasn't for him, $74 million would not have been raised to help fight parkinson's disease and his own waning career.

Christopher Reeve, is another fine example. He is dead. There is another foundation set up to raise money to find a cure for, oh, I guess it's paralysis and not death.

I think the most important lesson we can learn from this, is that celebrities exist for only two purposes in the general scheme of things: 1) to entertain and titilate our senses with their "talents." and 2) to get horrible diseases that millions of people suffer from every day and get no special recognition, and then go on to raise ridiculous sums of money in the fight against that disease using their fame (their money maker) to fight the good fight against whatever.

The Good Doctor's prescription: Start infecting individual celebrities with all sorts of horrifying maladies (i.e.leprosy, kuru, and herpes, you know, all the really prevelant diseases facing Americans), in the hopes of finding swift and viable cures. Because it's only when the people that we love have those diseases that we're actually going to do something about it. And let's face it, the only people in this world worth loving, are the people in the highest income brackets with the easiest lifestyles: celebrities.

I hereby invite all of my readers to name a celebrity, and then a disease that said celebrity ought to be inflicted with, and then project the potential money that might be earned by their foundation. Put all suggestions in the comments section.