Friday, May 11, 2007

If only we'd listened to James Cameron! This never would have happened!

Bear with me, gentle readers. This is...unprecedented I know, but I thought I needed to warn you. It is only on matters of utmost urgency that I would ever post more than is strictly necessary to maintain the ruse that "Yeah, sure, I keep a little blog on that internet thing."

So rest assured that two posts in one day is the result of very terrible news that has just been sent across my desk.

But this could be the end of existence as we know it! And you my dear friends needed to be the first to know.

How closely did you read the article? Did you read the part where it said, "They are now sending voice, images and other data over the Skynet 5A platform."

I repeat: "Skynet 5A platform."

Yes, my friends, Judgement Day is coming. And that, right soon. Stock your basements, hole up in your bomb shelters, and do not use the internet more than is strictly necessary. Skynet is a devious machination that will infect your computer without you even knowing it. I suspect Japan will be the first to suffer, because there, everything is computerized, even their goddamned toilets.

Imagine it, because it could happen to you: Sitting on the can, reading a Nancy Drew mystery while you relax all of your muscles. A malicious computer virus infects your high tech toillette, and, with a monstrous schlupping sound, an oozing disturbing sense of loss comes over you as your bowels are sucked right out your asshole!

It will happen! Mark my words! Be afraid, America! Be afraid even to poop!

Contractual Obligation

I don't know if it's me or if it's Reuters that has a problem with this, but clearly something must be done. It has to be stopped.

You see, this sort of thing wouldn't have happened, even as little as thirty years ago. People knew who their neighbors were and what they were up to.

Okay, maybe in some of the bigger cities, sure, people were detached a little bit, even perhaps from some of their immediate neighbors.

But allow me to show an example: I live in a house that has been split into two apartments. My neighbors live a scant three feet across a shared hall and stairway that leads to the basement (which is also split in two; half for each of us). I've lived here for two years. I don't know their names. I think one of them is Tim.

If Tim died I would not know it, unless he stunk up the place.

I think our problem is not an obsession with death. The story is fascinating because it proves, like the other ones I've cited in the past(here and here and especially here), that we don't know each other anymore. People don't make friends with everyone anymore. We don't need to anymore, maybe.

People get left out. I'm not even completely sure it's sad. Sure, in most cases it ends like the above story. But there are times when it leads the Chos of the world. Those are the times when even Baron fucking Samedi can't keep his sense of humor.

It's not like I care, but that's the point, right? For me, the Reuters story is a joke. It's funny. It's an "Oddly Enough" item.

I'm not trying to be meaningful, dear readers. Far be it from me to try to make an important point about anything. I just thought that, facts being what they were, it's something we might conceivably think about a bit. If the source of the societal disconnect can be located, then perhaps it can be expunged, deleted, corrected. We can slash it with white-out and maybe be a real civilization again. Or maybe we never were.

Oscar Wilde said this about America: "America is the first country to have gone from barbarism to decadence without the usual intervening period of civilization." That does not in any way imply that there are any civilizations left in the world. In fact, one might argue that the human race is uniformly decadent and depraved. In fact, I think the quote implies that all civilizations, no matter how great, become decadent after a while. I would make the argument that any country that has even a single McDonalds qualifies for decadent status.

The point is not what or who is to blame, because everyone who doesn't say "hello" to their neighbors is to blame. Everyone who doesn't attend block parties (or indeed hold them) is to blame. Anyone who doesn't know the name of the guy who lives three feet from his fucking door is to blame.

The point, dear friends an readers, is that we don't give enough of a shit about it to actually do something about it. And if that's the way we like it, well, may good old Samedi dance on our graves. Man, he's a sharp motherfucker.

Monday, May 07, 2007

Sweet Action

Let's face it, pandas are cute. In fact, there's absolutely nothing about pandas that isn't disgustingly cute, or frighteningly tragic. I mean, they're peaceful, non-violent, adorable with their painted faces and chubby good looks, and, of course, endangered.

So it's no wonder that when something good happens to them, people get all excited. When I saw the headline, I thought that some crazy manic panda orgy had occurred. I was a little disappointed (as I always am) by what actually happened. As it turns out, Bai Yun and Gao Gao just had some sort of panda love affair.

In the end, it didn't really work out and they went their separate ways. I suspect that Bai Yun got a little clingy. She's an older gal, you know. The fact that she likes them young is telling. Gao Gao was only in it for the lesson, you know? You can learn a lot from an older girl, right? But after a while, the other pandas start to look at you funny.

I'm not sure if you know this, but Ben Franklin (yes, that Ben Franklin) wrote in one of his books that when you want to take on a mistress, it's a good practice to go with an older woman. There's no guilt. They're better conversation. And among other reasons, "they're so grateful!"

But eventually, there's a time to move on. I don't really think that Gao Gao had anything better coming along (I mean, he lives in a zoo, for chrissake) but three carefully documented fucks are better than getting nothing, right?

I wonder if they videotaped it. I mean...I would, but then, I'm a man of science and medicine, endlessly fascinated by the the intricacies of nature in all of its splendor. But on top of that, everyone likes panda porn. It's so rare that it can't not be totally hot, right?

I just like how the zoologists, in trying to do their job, have to be perverts. They have to voyeuristically document and watch these pandas through their whole mating ritual. It was probably like watching a modern romantic comedy, only much better scripted, funnier, and with all the naughty bits left in. Oh, and it has more of a sense of closure, because we get to see the whole relationship arc, from first flirtations to the dissolution of the relationship as they go their separate ways, agreeing to "just be friends." And we all know how that usually goes.

The real tragedy is the kids. Gao Gao Jr. is going to be manipulated by his bickering parents. In the court custody battle, Gao Gao Sr. says to the judge, "Bai Yun has been telling my son that I'm a deadbeat. How am I supposed to have a meaningful relationship with my son, with that bitch trash talking me?"

In the end, Gao Gao Sr. gets Junior every other weekend, and Bai Yun gets the rest. So it goes.