The Mummy Returns: Just Couldn't Tear Himself Away.

Just today, I found this article. The story is utterly amazing in its perfection. The image of a seventy-year old man, dead for over a year, not even a little bit rotten or smelly, sitting, slumped as if in a light snooze in front of a television trying in vain to sell him toothpaste and new cars, and to entertain him with quality programming.

It would be interesting to know exactly what channel the television had been tuned to. You know? Like was it PBS? Or Fox? Or Turner Classic Movies, even? Perhaps it was Cartoon Network. This guy has seen every episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force aired for the last year. What would his Nielson survey say?

The fact that he was mummified is perfect too. So the room he died in had low humidity. God, it's like a whole series of incredibly improbable coincidences all lined up and joined forces to create the perfect image for America.

I mean, the power wasn't shut off? Who was paying his electric bill? Was this thing deliberately staged? Now, that would be something. It should almost be made into a museum display. Let's not bury the guy yet. Let's set up some velvet cables and have a walkway through his living room. People will pay ten dollars at the door to walk through this shrine, this symbol of American culture and values.

I'd pay it. How about you?

American Idiot

I've watched a few episodes of the new season of American Idol. I've come to the conclusion that this television show, perhaps even reality TV in general is a symptom of something very cool, something very disturbingly right about the world. In the first season or two, it wasn't immediately apparent. It was just something kind of funny, but now that it's become a mainstay of the winter primetime lineup on Fox, it's something more. Where before it was fun to laugh at the bad singers, and Simon being cruel to them, and those same bad singers verbally abusing Simon, saying things like, "He don't know what he's missing. He'll be sorry," that stuff is just expected now. It's the subtleties that now become apparent.

Simon remains blissfully diffident in regards to these comments. I mean, it's all for ratings. Anyway, now that AI has gotten old, stale, and become a symbol of America, something indispensible, something that we simply can't do without, something that we can't imagine ever not seeing on the television, we can really understand what the show is about.

And I think it's good. I think it's important that we see clearly in a way that is almost too visceral, almost nausea inducing, how horrible we are to other people. It's not just that British asshat telling them how much they suck in very unfriendly terms, it's all of America agreeing with him. The only one who's still in denial is the poor girl or guy who has broken down in wretched sobs on the floor outside the audition room. "I was born to sing," they say. Instead of treating AI as just an audition, perhaps one of many, they have decided, willingly, to invest their entire future emotional wellbeing on whether or not they get into American Idol. And when it doesn't work out, it's like their entire world has crashed to a halt. Suicide might be the only answer.

Do we feel bad as viewers? As Americans watching this filth? Of course not! We don't give two flying fucks about this person who was so convinced that he was it! Maybe a moment's empathy, an uncomfortable, sad little hesitation before just laughing at or ridiculing (we are arm-chair ridiculers here in America) these poor wretched souls. I'm fine with it. It's Darwinian. If that person decides it's too much tonight and eats a bottle of sleeping pills and doesn't wake up, it's not going to affect me on an emotional level. I will not care. If it's on the news, maybe some people will be like, "Oh, that's terrible! Why would anyone do that?" Even though we already know why. American Idol yesterday (Wednesday, January 24, 2007) blew away the competition, according to Nielsen. How can a nobody compete with all of America? How can a nobody get America to love him? He can't unless he actually has talent. Otherwise, all he gets is the utter scorn of the literally millions of Americans watching him (or her) put their heart on the line.

The bottom line is, these people deserve to be made fun of. Because despite the fact that they don't actually know that they are bad singers, it's their own fault for putting it all on the line for something that hasn't been proven. It's their own fault for not looking around at the world, listening to themselves and realizing that they can't sing or perform or be anything in the music world, especially, the notoriously brutal and callous pop music industry. Setting all of your William Hung's aside, we find that there are two people who get featured on the auditions for American Idol: the very best, and the very worst. And that's how it should be. That's what America wants to see.

AI is not ruining America. It is not a cause of anything. It is a symbol, a symptom, of what America stands for. I think it's important that we crush people's hopes and dreams in as callous and inhumane way imaginable. I even think it's something we ought to do. What do you think?

Morality in Harry Potter

I am very disturbed by the morality that Harry Potter teaches children, particularly in the realm of political discourse. The whole "Wizarding World" is constatly locked in this deadly, dangerous, epic struggle against an evil wizard (Lord Voldemort) who is bent on taking over the entire world, not just the wizarding world.

The Wizard Council, if they were truly going to do the right thing, ought to approach the United Nations Security Council, and various foreign leaders and plan a strategy for moving forward in the campaign against Voldemort. There's no way, that "magic" is so much more powerful than modern technology that the US military, or the NATO peacekeeping forces wouldn't be able to handle the small rabble of Death Eaters he has at his disposal. He has maybe a few hundred. The US military is many thousand strong, with guns, bombs, and missiles, and jets.

Their isolationist attitude is counter-productive. The rest of the population has a right to know what sort of danger they are in. Everyone ought to have a say in how magic might be used to benefit humanity as a whole you see? And there are plenty of things in the muggle world that the wizards would benefit from as well. For instance, the internet, Facebook, Wikipedia, MSN Messenger, automobiles, cell phones, etc. By cutting their children off, by playing "Muggle artifacts" off as quaint or not as useful as magic, they are actually forgetting the utility of a highly sophisticated civilization.

And this is nothing when it comes to the learning of the modern world. There are so many philosophers, scientists, and theorists (from Plato, to Nietzsche, to Darwin, to Marx, to Hawking, to Buckminster Fuller) that they don't get exposed to. Without a proper training in college level ethics and philosophy and science, for chrissake, they are not going to have a very balanced view of the world, nor can they be expected to use magic in a way that is benevolent and responsible.

And what about literature? What about Keats? What about Shakespeare? What about Douglas Adams? Dickens? Isaac Asimov? Nabokov? Dosoevsky? They don't get any of this stuff. At least, not that I can see.

J.K. Rowling, you're on notice, until Harry Potter reckognizes that the muggle world is not such a terrible, "backward" place.

The Final Say

Arrested Development is the greatest TV show to grace the small screen. Ever. Period. And that includes the future.

Of Rags and Riches

I recently went to the theater to watch a movie. As with any movie-going experience, there were previews. All of them sucked. But this one sucked the most for a number of reasons. Material Girls stars Hilary Duff and Haylie Duff. The Duff sisters. Obviously, I will never, ever, under any circumstances put myself through the drudgery of watching this film, but it's an interesting concept. It used to be common in popular literature, and even in film in America to write the "great american what-have-you." A great many of these were what you could call "rags to riches" stories. Born a poor farmer, so-and-so claws his way against all odds to the top of some sort of financial empire. The struggle made him what he was. His roots in poverty gave him a connection to the common man. His dream and personal resolve made him great. Blah blah blah.

It is now increasingly common in literature, film, and pretty much everything else, to tell a completely different kind of story. It's the "riches to rags" story. Material Girls (starring the Duff sisters) is one such film, though I suspect that since this is going to be a popular American comedy, that they will probably get back to riches by the end of the movie after having learned a "very valuable lesson."

Of perhaps more important impact and astonishingly higher quality is the hit Fox TV show "Arrested Development." Compellingly (surprisingly so) narrated by Ron Howard, this fast-paced, off beat comedy has been drunkenly declared by myself at many parties to be the "best show on TV," and this should be enough for most people to accept it as truth. Again, "Arrested Development" is a riches to rags story.

It appears upon close examination of this new type story that's just now being told, that we have a backlash against the rags to riches American Dream. It appears that someone out there is trying to establish as a point of fact that riches are transitory. Where once people liked to dream wistfully of what they would do when or if they ever became extremely wealthy, it now has become extremely trendy to look upon the wealthy, particularly the idle rich, with a certain degree of contempt, and to imagine how wonderful and perhaps even entertaining their downfall might be.

While the characters in the Duff Sister's Movie are probably contemptible on every level imaginable, so are the characters in "Arrested Development." Not a single person, not even Michael, the least morally bankrupt character, is completely beyond reproach.

I think this is a very interesting trend in mainstream media, and I think we will see a lot more of in the years to come. That is, unless some horrible catastrophe strikes and we are all wiped off the face of the planet, and all cinema, literature, and art created by human hands is utterly destroyed never to be seen, heard, viewed, or cared about by another other creature until the end of time.

Dr Kuha out.

Practically a Joke

There is this thing about people you know. This did not happen to me as such, though it did happen in a way that directly affected my life. Imagine this as a practical joke. Leave a dead catfish in the gutter outside your friend's house.

That's it. Just leave a dead catfish in the gutter.

I don't know if you are aware of a what a S.E.P. field is. A Somebody Else's Problem field. It's a sociological phenomenon generated by anything that is simply too wierd or too disturbing to contemplate or deal with. So when someone leaves a dead catfish (a very large dead catfish) in the gutter outside your neighbor's house, the tendency is to do absolutely nothing about it.

The eventual outcome of this disturbing phenomenon is that roughly a week and a half later, there is a rain storm and all of the maggots that have been burrowing around inside the rotting carcass of the catfish come out to the surface and writhe and undulate and spill out onto the street.

Of course, just across the street lives a doctor with a fairly high-quality camera and a weblog of some degree of infamy who has been taking pictures and cataloguing the entire decomposition of the catfish.

My analysis of the situation is that the house outside of which the catfish now resides (in the gutter) is inhabited by college students who don't feel that their neighborhood is sullied nearly as much by the catfish as by their own presence (their yard is routinely strewn with empty bottles of Keystone Light and Michelob bottles...utter dreck), and therefore feel little or no need to interrupt the gentle but inevitable decay of what at one point in time was a very sizeable and impressive catfish.

The rest of the neigbors ignore the problem because it's not theirs. And so the catfish, bloated and corpulent, reeking, oozing strange and disturbing fluids, remains. In the gutter. Waiting for the monthly rumble of the street sweeper.

It could be read as an allegory for some greater truth. And that is what I challenge you the reader to come up with. Whoever comes up with the best "meaning" for the catfish in the gutter outside my neighbor's house, will have my eternal respect and admiration, a gift that transcends mere money.

Commies Suck

Take a close look, dear friends and readers. Sherwin Williams Paint, known by many for their truly staggering, nearly all-inclusive, verging on absurd in its diversity, palette of latex paints for all your household needs, may not be what you think it is.

Oh sure, they seem reputable; they couldn't dream of getting into nearly as much trouble as an Enron executive, however, I think that may not always be the case. I believe--and I think that if you follow me closely, that you will also agree--that Sherwin Williams Paint is actually a front company, secretly funneling money to an underground communist conspiracy.

Oh yes, it's true. And the evidence is all here in the logo. First of all, let's look at the can of paint in the logo. It symbolizes the organization itself. S.W.P. supposedly stands for "Sherwin Williams Paint," however, I believe that their clever use of an acronym opens it up for multiple interpretations: i.e. the Socialist Worker's Party. Coincidence? I think not.

Also, and this is simply too obvious, the globe in the center of the logo symbolizes the planet Earth. But what is that coming out of the paint can? It's red paint. Red paint. And what is the universal color of communism? I think my point is clear.

And let's not forget that they are using a "Cover the Earth" slogan. This could be seen literally, as though the company simply wishes to cover the entire planet in a uniform coat of high quality glossy latex. But in this environmentally conscious day and age, this seems unlikely. Thus, it can only be the case that the red paint in the logo symbolizes a political ideology. And the only political ideology associated with the color red is: you guessed it Communism.

To make it even more apparent, take a very close look at the globe itself. You can make out the outline of northwest Africa and Europe. That means that at the top of the globe is North America. Yes, that's right. America is their first target in a worldwide Communist coup d etat!

I rest my case.

Now you ask, "What should we do about this, Doctor?" I'll tell you what we should do: inform everyone you know about this conspiracy. These two-faced collaborators with Red China and ex-Soviet socialists are probably responsible for our failure in Vietnam! They sabotaged us from the inside! They're probably even funding terrorism (uh...moreso than our own government already is, and well...everyone who uses gasoline).

Do not use their paint! They must be stopped! Brought down in the name of such ambiguous ideas as "Freedom," "Democracy," and "The American Way of Life!" Because if you don't, the commies will take over. And if that happens, God help us all, because the Good Doctor is fleeing to Canada where they have nationalized health care.

Get Down with the Sickness

Dear friends and readers, it has come to my attention that one of the things that we have not been doing, and should, in the interests of the greater good for all, infect more celebrities with life-threatening diseases and maladies.

Take Michael J. Fox, for example. He has Parkinson's Disease. If it wasn't for him, $74 million would not have been raised to help fight parkinson's disease and his own waning career.

Christopher Reeve, is another fine example. He is dead. There is another foundation set up to raise money to find a cure for, oh, I guess it's paralysis and not death.

I think the most important lesson we can learn from this, is that celebrities exist for only two purposes in the general scheme of things: 1) to entertain and titilate our senses with their "talents." and 2) to get horrible diseases that millions of people suffer from every day and get no special recognition, and then go on to raise ridiculous sums of money in the fight against that disease using their fame (their money maker) to fight the good fight against whatever.

The Good Doctor's prescription: Start infecting individual celebrities with all sorts of horrifying maladies (i.e.leprosy, kuru, and herpes, you know, all the really prevelant diseases facing Americans), in the hopes of finding swift and viable cures. Because it's only when the people that we love have those diseases that we're actually going to do something about it. And let's face it, the only people in this world worth loving, are the people in the highest income brackets with the easiest lifestyles: celebrities.

I hereby invite all of my readers to name a celebrity, and then a disease that said celebrity ought to be inflicted with, and then project the potential money that might be earned by their foundation. Put all suggestions in the comments section.

Soap Cult?

Has anyone else seen this ad campaign? I'm beginning to wonder if something is really amiss in this world. I mean, well-known soap manufacturing companies are using tongue in cheek advertisements to recruit for a strange snake cult?

First of all, they hit people at their most vulnerable: when they are suffering from the guilt of a "questionable hookup," as they call it. Like, for instance, if you were caught by your friends doing the nasty with an old woman in a walker with electrodes connected to your taint. Obviously, this is pretty useful for anyone trying to start a cult. Many cults find new members by recruiting at colleges (i.e. the Giddeons and the US Military) and universities when young people are adrift, still trying to find their way in this world.

But this ad campaign is specifically targeted at people suffering from sexual guilt. This is morally reprehensible. There is nothing wrong with old ladies in walkers and electrodes. If that's what turns you on, and your friends make fun of you for it, then they shouldn't be your friends, because they are prudes and fascists.

I say to you, Order of the Serpentine: You can't have our nation's youth for your devilish rituals, and sweet-smelling soaps. Cease and desist, or the Good Doctor will come down on you with the full authority of his station!

In case you were wondering....

how the Good Doctor spends his time, I think that now would be a good time to share a little bit of myself with the rest of the world. I am posting on the internet, a portion of my work. Depending on the response, and whether or not anybody actually likes it, I my post more. Over the next couple of weeks, I will add a chapter a week, until the story is finished. While I fully intend to do a real post here at The Office in the next day or so, this should tide all my loyal readers over until then.

The link is here.