Friday, December 16, 2005

We Make You Need Our Product

It is a well known, and long celebrated fact that telemarketers are hated above most other forms of advertisement and marketing schemes. That's why we at Kuha Global Enterprises, Inc, have devised a whole new way to get people to buy our products. The fine people down in Marketing have discovered that we can get much better results by using psychics to directly implant into people's minds the need to buy our product.

Why mess around with all the tedious hang ups of telemarketing campaigns, when all we need to do, is reach into a person's mind, instill in said person a deeply seeded need to buy our product (like for instance, the Quantum Occilating Trichrome Juicer, manufactured by one of our subsidiaries), and then, we extract out of their mind all the necessary information to finalize the transaction, such as credit card numbers, home address, social security numbers, and psychic imprints of all thier relatives so that we may build our customer base.

It's all so simple. Some may say it's an infringement of privacy, but we have made it abundantly clear, that by the time our sales pitch is done (and this is really just a matter of seconds), the customer not only wants our a product but needs it with a thirst that can only be quenched by the purchase of one of our many fine products and services.

The processes employed by our psychics are as non-invasive as possible, and leave only minimal damage with very few side-effects, like those reported by some of the customers of our competitors. We have never had a dissatisfied customer, because they all, in one way or another, end up with our product and are pleased by it.

Some have asked us how we acquire our telepaths. Well, the answer to that is simple. We breed them. They have no concept of an outside world, and exist only to push our products. This is fine, because they are bred to only want to push products and move merchandise. Kuha Enterprises never has surplus goods.

Our tele(pathic)marketers are some of the best in the business, and we have decided, that for a nominal fee, we will sell thier services to other corporations in need of a marketing campaign with near 100% success rate. Granted, this particular service will be very, very expensive, but we at Kuha Global Enterprises believe that it will be well worth everyone's while.

Never an unsatisfied Customer


zombi_king said...

Zombi-King Retail & Service ltd. are now providing lead helmets TO ANYONE WHO WANTS TO LIVE!!

Dr Kuha said...

I'm afraid lead is not going to work. The boys down in R&D have found a few alloys that seem to block the telepsychic marketers, and are working around the clock to A) make sure no one gets thier hands on the precise makeups of these alloys, and B) ways to boost reception so that even these alloys won't work.

zombi_king said...

well i guess its back to hand-axes and shotguns then.

Puuda Maggui said...

I prefer the basic tin foil. It keeps the government AND Martha Stewart from getting in.